Sunday, July 03, 2011

Anniversary

This month, one year ago, I heard Stella Steinar’s voice speak to me for the first time.  And she didn’t creep up quietly.  She demanded my attention.  She said, “My name is Stella.  Here I am!  I need to tell you how I got here…”  It was an unbelievable story.  And she started at the end of it—which was a little confusing at first.  So I began to write—literally at the moment I first heard her.  I filled numerous pages in the Sudoku book that I was puzzling over at the time.  Soon I wasn’t puzzling at all, but weaving my way around the squares with her words until I realized what I was doing.  I shook myself from Stella long enough to read my scribbles aloud to my husband. 
“Does this make sense?” I asked him.
 And he answered, “It’s intriguing…but what does it MEAN?”
“I’m not sure,” I admitted.  But I knew it was something.  So I dug out a real notebook and tried to organize my thoughts—Stella’s thoughts.  It came so easily and fell so smoothly into place that it almost scared me.  I asked myself, ‘Can I really write a book—a whole entire BOOK?’  My husband answered the question for me.  And thank goodness he did.  What was stopping me?  Nothing.  Especially not Stella.  She was relentless and began to inhabit a permanent spot in my life.  She refused to let me rest.  I was unable to pry myself from her story.  And it was so engaging that I didn’t want to.  Stella had my full attention.  And as she introduced me to the other characters in her story I was pulled into her circle even tighter.  I became an invisible bystander.  It consumed my dreams and distracted me from my daily commitments. 
I quickly realized that I must always be ready…I snuck my notebook around with me everywhere in my bag in case Stella had something to tell me.  I was apprehensive at first to let anyone know that I was hiding this secret obsession.  I didn’t want to hear the doubt in their voices and didn’t want their negative influence to stop me from finishing.  But as I made progress and gained confidence, I learned that almost everyone I knew supported my goal.  And I realized this was the biggest part of what Stella was trying to tell me. 
She was teaching me to look around at the people in my life and understand that we are all connected.  Not all the connections are as meaningful as they could be…but that, in itself has meaning.   A veil lifted from my eyes and I began to see even the most random, brief encounters with people as highly impactful. 
For this reason I am looking forward to the reactions from others when they read my book.  Obviously I am hoping to grab their attention and drag them into my mysterious and provocative tale.  But aside from being entertained, I am curious to know if they get any kind of meaning out of it, or if it was solely a personal experience for me. 
Regardless, as I finished writing the story I kept the same goal:  to share Stella with my friends and family.  To share her with anyone who would read her words.  To not be afraid of failure or criticism.  To put myself out there and let people know who I am and who Stella is.  She could be any one of us…just waiting to awaken.  And I have accepted already that not everyone will “get” Stella like I did.  But even if a few do…then I have made it so much further than I ever expected to.

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